Sorry not sorry

I’m sorry that your family doesn’t look the same as your friends

I’m sorry your father and I just couldn’t work things out

I’m sorry for the days I kept my calm with everyone else but then yelled at you

I’m sorry for the times I had $20 left in my wallet and I spent in on myself rather than you

I’m sorry for the days’ plans fell through and your heart felt broken

I’m sorry that it’s just me alone here and some days I just can’t take you to that playdate

I’m sorry for the nights I rushed through bed time distracted on my phone

I’m sorry you have to leave the only house you’ve ever known

I’m sorry I can’t buy you that new DS Nintendo game

I’m sorry you will grow up always knowing you are different from others

I’m sorry for introducing pain to your heart earlier than most kids experience

I’m sorry for the days it was my homework or yours

I’m sorry for the nights you cried yourself to sleep and there wasn’t a thing I could do to fix it

I’m sorry for the days I have no answers

But mostly I’m not sorry at all

I’m not sorry that because you are different you will have greater empathy for others

I’m not sorry that you will grow up with a single happy parent, rather than two fighting parents

I’m not sorry for the days you saw me break, saw that I am human and hurt like you do

I’m not sorry that you learned mama has to take care of herself too

I’m not sorry for the tools you are learning to deal and cope with disappointment

I’m not sorry for teaching you the difference between a house and home

I’m not sorry that you know you are different-to be the same as everyone else would be a fate  far worse

I’m not sorry that you are learning the value of money and working and earning the things you want

I’m not sorry that you are becoming an independent, emotionally capable person

I’m not sorry that you’re seeing me in school and working and completing my goal

I’m not sorry for my questions about my life, my happiness and the state of my marriage

But mostly I’m still not sorry at all because for everything you may be lacking, you are getting the very best version of me.

The me who is deeply wounded and pained
The me who cries and feels, sometimes too much
The me who is determined to be strong for you
The me who is stubborn enough to see it through to the end
The me who is not above an impromptu car dance party
The me who will do anything to get you to laugh
The me who is up all night worrying but there to take you to school on time
The me who makes mistakes and owns up to them
The me who is living a life that is hers
The me who is showing you dreams come true when you work hard enough
The me who is living proof that happiness is effort and I’m strong as hell

Because above all else, that is the greatest gift I have to give you.


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