Things to know before getting divorced

 

Things to know before getting divorced:

 

 

  • There will be moments of extreme self doubt
  • The loneliness will feel unbearable and breaking at times
  • You don’t leave your marriage to get remarried- you leave your marriage not to be in the situation you are in. if you think the grass is greener on the other side, it’s because it’s astroturf.
  • It is ok to be angry, it is not ok to live embittered.
  • The first two years will be amongst the hardest and most challenging years. Every time you feel you’re standing on your feet there will be something that threatens to take you down.
  • Your friends you see on Facebook laughing and smiling post divorce – they cry too. They feel pain and loneliness too. Don’t glamourize divorce.
  • Therapy is your best friend. Regardless of the reason the marriage deteriorated, both parties have to unpack their choices.
  • Whatever issues you don’t deal with now will become luggage you drag to your next relationship. If you thought kids and an ex were baggage, try lugging around fear of commitment and other emotional fears. That crap is heavy!
  • You don’t ever stay married for your kids and saying that is unfair. It puts an adult decision on kids’ shoulders. You don’t stay for your kids but you fight like hell because of them and for them.
  • Divorced dating sucks. If you think that you’re going to walk away from your marriage and just like that find your soulmate you will be sorely disappointed. Because if you thought dating in your 20’s was hard, dating in your 30’s and 40’s and 50’s and 60’s with kids and custody issues is bloody hell.
  • It is possible to want something and still be upset about it. You can initiate your divorce and still be sad and broken about it.
  • Positivity and second chances aren’t natural by factors of divorce. They need to be worked on and cultivated every day with the language we use and choices we make.
  • You will lose friends. People will disappoint you. People you least expect to, will walk away from you.
  • People will try and talk you out of it. They will tell you to stay for the kids and that it can’t be that bad.
  • There will be days you cry. Cry for no reason at all other than this sucks.

If after this you are still choosing divorce, then bear this in mind:

We get divorced to make our lives and our kids’ lives better. Every choice and decision we make must reflect that, otherwise what was the point? Alienating a child from their parent doesn’t make their life better. Living your life angry and hurt doesn’t make your life better. Blaming your ex and their family doesn’t make your life better. You make your life better. Everyday that you chose you and your kids, you make life better. Everyday you choose to work at happiness you make life better. It will be hard but if you do it with open eyes, an educated mind and a clear heart, you will be ok. You will be so ok.

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2 comments

  1. I was left totally alone. My ex went on a sabbatical and took the children., they were big and wanted to go. I was working…my home was sold. Living in an apt for the first time in my life, with an elevator! Horrible then. Great now. My beautiful Japanese garden was gone! One day we should meet. Two wrongs don’t make one right. But in retrospect and seeing what he’s done with his life…. I am a total queen. My daughter in law just told me she admires me. You will see that having the kids will keep you totally grounded. Love you😻

  2. I knew a lot of this stuff before I got divorced, but it didn’t make it any easier. It still hurt when friends abandoned me, when my kids asked me if image and abba will ever live together again. I still cried so many tears over my almost 10 years of marriage and my 3 angels even though I knew it was for the best. I don’t regret any of it but it doesn’t make it any less painful. But like you said I’m OK, I’m so OK and that’s good enough for now.

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